I consider myself an inquisitive, openminded person. I see myself mostly as a person before i do any other categorizing title. But, in moments of weakness, and doubt, or even just in the quiet moments in the dark in bed, between awake and asleep, I feel myself judging myself as a woman before a person. I think about myself as a woman aging in this world. I perceive the pressure to adapt to the heavy requests I feel, which now emanate from my own head, as if they were my own thoughts. They ask me to conceal myself as I age - something, I am lucky to be able to do at all. I also perceive myself judging myself for not feeling free or open-minded or worthy enough not to do these things.
The point really, is not whether either of these judgements are correct - or even if one is more correct than the other. The point is that neither of these thoughts are actually mine. I cannot say what I believe on this subject because these thoughts are reactions to a System fed to me through hidden language for 34 years - plus the entire history spoon fed to my family for generations - a language fully embroidered into our blood like false DNA.
One is reacting to the poison systematically espoused and hidden in small messaging coming again and again through the millions of little vacancies in space - in corners of advertising, in throw away lines in movies, in phrasing in textbooks. The second is just an extremely defensive response to the primary injustice. But both are so reactionary, they cannot be the truth.
And this then brings me to the larger topic. That of being a part of this current age, an age where we actually know better, and yet not only are we not doing better, but are legitimately going out of our way to Block Better. The selfishness is nauseating. I want it to stop. I don’t know how to make it stop.
I remember being a little girl, sent to Hebrew school. I can honestly say all I learned in all those years besides the alef bet 1000 times, was to never forget the Holocaust. Literally, every book, conversation, was regarding this topic.
And now, I am old enough to finally see the world, and perceive the nuance and participate in change. And often what I see are the people who taught this topic, who believed in this topic, only believe in it for themselves. For their people. And now that these people live with a status that passes them as the norm, they perpetrate violence upon others.
I imagine this is a subconscious attempt to assist in blending, to deflect attention, to prevent violence in advance. But the truth is, when those in power want us to be other again, we will be other. One day, the size of our noses will count against us. We all feel it, which is why, instead of standing up against all the violence perpetrated upon others, unjustly, systematically, slowly and aggressively over time, we do nothing, or worse, we fail to see the similarities, and fight for the violators.
I am so furious with this world. I am so tired of the blatant bigotry, the persistent ignorance, the Mythic Greed. It is all so obvious where it comes from. This frustration with the unfairness of the world creates misaligned, morally corrupt action.
And then, in our arrogance, we refuse to admit wrong doing. And so the cruelty and hate persists and festers - and other people continue to pay the price, OUR price. To me, this is the epitome of White Privilege.
There is so much fear that there is not enough. Yet, the people who really fear that there is not enough are the people who have it all - though this fear is disguised as the need for more, as the mask of deserving for "having earned it," it is still fear - and we all see it as the walls of this messy veneer might finally crumble.
None of this works. This old system of 1776, 1890, 1945, 1973 Does Not Work. We do not get to benefit from the destruction of others anymore. Including the Earth. I am embarrassed when I hear someone complain that a grocery store is charging for plastic bags. That is so sickening to me. Hold your things, pay for a bag, or have foresight to bring your own. Let us remember simple inconvenience so that we may make actual choices, be more present, and remain humble.
Our words matter. Our honor as humans matters. Knowledge matters. History matters. This false allegiance to anything else is incriminating. I am embarrassed to be alive in this time sometimes. I do not understand why there are no checks and balances in government. I do not understand why hateful rhetoric is now commonplace. I do not understand why lies are spread like truth. I do not understand why people are shot in the streets, are run over by police, and locked out of their schools, are denied weddings, and free speech, and water, and clean air, and clean soil, and enough, and their own experience in their bodies, and healthcare, and why schools can fall while false wars can wage, why insane walls are built….I could go on.
No body wants to live like this. I know that nobody wants to live in this Inferno of Cruelty.
I do not want to forget. I do not want to be one of those people who does nothing. I do not know how to fix this, and I cannot contain this rage any longer.